Saturday, December 28, 2013

Will I Ever Trust Again?...

Betrayal comes in many faces. Sometimes it's a friend that says hurtful things to you. Sometimes it's a job that overlooks you for a promotion. Sometimes it's a child that tells you they don't love you. Sometimes it's a mate that cheats on you. I've been betrayed in every sense of the word, as I'm sure most of us have. To be honest, to me, the betrayal itself is easy to deal with when you compare it to the emotional trauma that follows. Add to that the fact that you cannot just walk away from the source of the betrayal. You are still friends with that person, you still work at that job, your child is...well it's your child, and God hasn't released you to leave your mate.
So, how do you move past it? What if forgiveness doesn't come easy? What if you have a hard time trusting? I have a VERY active imagination, and it often gets the best of me. A situation that doesn't mean anything, becomes a huge scandal. My mind replays those moments of betrayal over and over again. It becomes a vicious and tormenting cycle. I remember when my fiance (we had just started dating again after a brief separation) and I were laying in bed one morning and his text messages start going off. He glanced at his phone and put it back down. "Who was that??" "My dad" "Yeah? So you're not going to reply back to him??" "He just said 'good morning', I'll respond later" "Yeah...OR maybe you just don't want to answer that heffa that's texting you this early because I'm right here". He calmly got his phone and showed me it was really just his dad. LOL. But a person who has experienced betrayal often feels they have to stay guarded at all times so that experience isn't ever repeated.
Recently, I was having a "moment". I cried for a good couple hours that night. I was feeling all kind of emotions. The next afternoon, I finally decided to get on my face and cry out to God. "God...please help me! Please help me! Will I ever trust again? How do I know if (enter situation here) will be faithful??" And in that still small voice of His, He said "But you already know I am faithful". I was so engrossed in my feelings that I forgot about God's faithfulness.
No matter what the situation...job, family, friends, spouse...they ALL have the potential of betraying us. But God is ALWAYS faithful. Keep your faith and trust in Him. When you change your focus from your situation to the God of your situation, everything comes into alignment. Peace reigns, forgiveness flows, and love conquers.

Monday, November 4, 2013

Hope against hope...

I haven't posted in a while, and I felt I needed to today. I find it interesting that my last post was "Push Baby Push". I've been feeling weary in a particular area of my life. Don't want to give up, but I'm afraid to move any further. Does that make sense?
A little over a year ago, I was going through a very tough situation. In that situation, I fell to my knees one evening and prayed for God to release me from it. I didn't want to pray anymore, I didn't want to feel the way that I did at the time anymore....I just wanted God to say, "It's ok baby...this is not for you" and release me to walk away. But He didn't. Instead He said "This will only be won in the spirit realm." Well.....I didn't feel like praying anymore. So I stopped. For a week....the most miserable week ever! I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat....there was no peace in my spirit. I remember getting to work, and laying my purse on my desk and I heard God say "I didn't release you". Seriously?? But I can't do this anymore. It's too hard. It hurts too much. "I didn't release you". I had to go to the bathroom and repent and have a good long cry. I prayed for that particular situation for the first time in over a week...and immediately felt a peace. I knew then in my spirit what God had promised me will come to pass....and I held on to that even when everyone else around me thought I was crazy or maybe even "stupid".
Have you ever had a promise from God that was completely contradictory to what your current experience is? Those closest to you even wonder if you really heard from God? You yourself even wonder if you heard from Him or just made it up in your head. It's a hard having peace in your promise and turmoil in the journey to it at the same time. Knowing God can do what He said He will do, yet your situation looks like there is no way it can happen. This is when you exercise hope against hope. I learned the meaning of this phrase by living it. By walking it. Not one person probably believed what God had spoken to me. But I stood firm on His promise. I had hope against hope that God will do exactly what he promised.
I was in church a couple weekends ago, and the Pastor called me to the front and confirmed everything that God had spoken to me a little over a year ago. What God told me privately, He confirmed publicly. The Pastor went as far as to say "What didn't happen then is going to happen this time. It will happen".
What is that you are up against that is making you want to give up? What is it that is robbing you of your peace and joy and sanity? Has God not already spoken to you? Have some hope against hope. "What didn't happen then is going to happen this time. It will happen".

Monday, September 30, 2013

Push baby push!

So far, in my blogs, I have posted stories about things I have experienced in life so far. Today is a little different. Today I feel I need to encourage you. Many of us are "weary in well doing". Whether that be on our jobs, our relationships, with our kids, or with just life in general. This last season has been one punch after another. One complication after another. One setback after another. I have two words for you. KEEP PUSHING!
Push past the pain, past the hurt, past the betrayal, past the disappointment. Push past the "haters", past the limitations, push, PUSH, PPPUUUSSHHH!! If you give up in this season, you may not have this opportunity ever again.
Transition time is often the most painful time. Transition means "a change from one state or condition to another" ( Transition, interestingly enough, is the final stage in active labor when delivering a baby. This is the most intense stage of labor. This is also the stage where you may begin to lose faith in yourself in being capable of handling the pain.
This is NOT the time to give up! Push through it! Don't allow what it is that you are carrying get breached. Push! God is with you! Push! God is your strength! Push, baby, PUSH!

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

He is the Potter....I am His Clay...

Many times throughout my life I have found myself in a place where I felt useless and unworthy. These feelings came from reflecting on my past behaviors, current situations, and my perceptions on what I thought people felt about me. It's hard living a life opposite to what you know God has promised you. It's hard accepting God's promises didn't manifest, after all. What has God promised you that still has not come to pass? Why do you think it's taking so long? You're in a process....let me explain.
Two years ago, I heard the Lord tell me "promotion". In 2011 I changed positions at my job that would have come with a promotion. Unfortunately, that did not happen. I did not lose hope though. Because God said it would happen. In 2012 I worked super hard. I learned more than some of my peers who had been in the same position for years had learned. I just KNEW I was going to get promoted. Earlier this year, I was pulled into my boss' office and was advised that my promotion was not approved. I was so disappointed, hurt, and angry. Not at my boss, or at the ones who may have made that decision. I was upset with God. Why did You promise me something if You had no intention of giving it to me? What did I do for You to not honor Your promise to me? Maybe You don't love me after all. Maybe You have turned Your back on me. I became depressed and instead of enjoying a job that I once loved, I now felt burdened by it.
As time has passed by, I'm beginning to learn what has been happening. I've been in a process, much like that of making pottery. Pottery is made by forming a piece of clay into and object of the desired shape and then heating it to a high temperature in a kiln. This heating allows any water that is in the clay to be removed, which in turn causes a reaction that leads to permanent changes within the clay such as: increased strength and hardening and setting of the shape. When a potter begins to work with a piece of clay, he already knows what he wants his end result to look like. He knows he has to first knead the clay to made it pliable. He knows how to mold it and form it. But that's not enough. Once it has been molded to its perfect shape, it must go through another It's in the fire that the very thing that helped mold the clay...the has to be expelled out in order to strengthen the clay.
God often uses the very things that helped mold us into who we are to also cause enough discomfort to strengthen us. Things may not always happen when and how you expect them to. Some of you have been waiting on a mate for years. But the Potter is not done molding you. He's not done removing the excess water. He hasn't made His strength perfect in you. Be patient. He knows what the final product looks like. Let Him finish His masterpiece. Then He will put you on display for all to see.

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Though you may be will never be alone...

We have all faced situations and circumstances that have brought fear into our lives. I could name quite a few things that scare me. For instance...frogs. I am deathly afraid of frogs. Lol. I remember one night I came home from Bible study, and as I walked up the hall to my apartment door there was a gi-normous toad sitting right on the threshold of my door. ( maybe it was a 3-4 inch frog...frightening nonetheless). I called my sister that I shared the apartment with and told her I am being held hostage outside of my own apartment! She said just kick it away and go in the house. So...I took my shoe and threw it at it. It did no good. The monster continued to sit in the same spot totally unfazed. So I did what any girl in my situation would do. I walked back to my car, turned it on, turned on the radio and waited for my sister to get home. Forty five minutes later, she pulls into the parking spot shocked to see me still waiting outside. We walk to the door together, and it is still sitting there. My sister opens the door and goes inside, leaving me in the hallway. Alone. With the monster. I called her and asked her to escort me in, but she refused. So finally, I started praying "The Lord has not given me a spirit of fear, but of love, peace, and a sound mind" repeatedly, until I opened the door and ran inside. Lol. It still makes me laugh when I think about it.
Anyway...that's not the fear I'm referring to today. What is that thing that frightens you to the point it gives you knots in your stomach and an aching in your heart? For me, it's the fear of being alone. Mind you I have a wonderful support group full of great friends and family. I am engaged to a man that makes me feel loved and wanted every single day. So what's this about being alone that makes me so uneasy?
Have you ever been surrounded by friends and loved ones and felt totally alone? Like nobody understands you, nobody supports you, and maybe nobody loves you? Do you like to have someone around at all times so you don't go crazy with your thoughts? I do. I have spent the last 29 years of my life living with someone. First it was my parents, then my sister, and now my fiance. Two days ago, I dropped my fiance off at the airport. He accepted an overseas job offer that will require him to be gone for maybe an entire year. I say maybe because neither one of us know when he will come home. When I got home from dropping him off, I sobbed uncontrollably. I didn't know what I was going to do. How was I going to manage? There is no way an almost 5 year old can make me feel less lonely (how wrong of me to think that lol...she definitely keeps me busy). Even today, as I walked through the door I felt somewhat depressed. Then it happened....
I heard that familiar voice. A phrase that was spoken to me prophetically in the middle of a hotel lobby during my visit to Atlanta for Megafest 2004. "Though you may be will never be alone". In all my wanting to be surrounded by someone who loves me...I forgot THE ONE who loves me more than anyone else.
He is Emmanuel...God with us. When there are no friends and family around, I can turn to my Friend that sticks closer than a brother. When my heart is troubled with anxiety, He is my Jehovah Prince of Peace.
People can only do so much for you. In this season I am learning to be content with being "alone with my thoughts" and alone with God. There is such an overwhelming peace and security when you allow His love to drive away the fears that hold you back. After's His perfect love that casts out all fear.
What's your paralyzing fear? How will you overcome it?

Monday, September 16, 2013


Love. This one word has wreaked so much havoc in my life. Not because love is a bad thing, but because my understanding of it was so limited. I thought love was a warm feeling. It was security. It was what I needed to feel complete in life. So what did I do? I went and looked for it in all the wrong places. If someone thought i was pretty...that was love. If someone thought I was sexy...that was love. If someone wanted to lay in bed with me...that was love. If someone flirted with me...that was love. If someone spent a little time with me, went on vacations with me, or had a baby with me....that was love. My finite mind had it all figured out, but there was one key thing missing. God.

I have had "relationships" (I use that word loosely) with about five different men. I've told you about "John" (If you don't know, please read "The Book of John" on this blog). After John I ran to another man. After two years of dating and not one physical encounter, that man told me he was bi-sexual. I ran from that relationship to another man. After about 6 months, I came to find out he was "cheating" on me with his ex-fiance. In fact, he was making plans to reconcile with her and marry her. This time, instead of running away from him, I became the desperate and pathetic girl who did everything she could to keep his attention and affection. After months of trying to be the object of his affection, I realized I needed to give up. And I did. That's when I found out I was pregnant. So the vicious cycle continued. I look back at the woman I allowed myself to become and am so disgusted with her. Thank God he saw fit to pull me out of my dung hill. After having my daughter, I dated a couple guys. One said he loved me....turns out he told quite a few women that. Another told me he wanted to pursue a relationship with me. What he didn't tell me was that he also wanted to pursue a relationship with his estranged wife.In the meantime, I continued to dabble with my "baby daddy" while he continued his on again off again romance with his ex.

Pretty dysfunctional, huh? It wasn't until early 2012 I met a man that would change my life forever. He and I dated on and off for about 6 months. During those six months, he put me through hell! Yet deep down, I had a peace in my heart knowing this was the man God had ordained for me. I was confused. How? Why? Do you not love me God? And He would say "I've got you". I learned to trust not only in His word, but also His timing. No relationship is perfect. Mine most definitely isn't. But when God is in it, He will walk with you through everything....from infidelity to financial problems to a long-distance romance. I am thrilled to say I will be marrying this man one day in the near future. He isn't perfect, but he is perfect for me....and there is a perfect God that sits at the center of everything we have.

You will never understand real love until you accept God's unconditional love for you. He loves you without reason. He loves you just spite of what you may have done or not done. Wait for His timing. Wait for Him to bring the right relationship at the right moment. Wait for His blessing. Wait...Wait...Wait. It's in the waiting you will find your will find yourself.

Saturday, September 1, 2012

It is not HIS will that ANY should perish...including me

There are days I sit back and wonder...why did you choose me God? Out of everyone from my lineage, you CHOSE me...why? As I stated before, I was born and raised in a household of devout Hindus. We went to the temple regularly. My mother and grandmother would do their daily rituals. They would pray, they would fast on certain days, they would donate to the building of new temples back in India, I mean if it was a part of being Hindu, they practiced it. When they were believing for something, they would pledge to sow a certain amount of money if their need was met. Watching how devoted they were, made me want to be the same way. I started fasting on the days my mom would fast. I started taking part in the nightly praise/prayer ritual. I was doing all these things, but didn't feel any different on the inside. I started reading some of the religious books. I got a better understanding of why I didn't dress a certain way or act a certain way, but still didn't understand certain aspects of why my parents and grandparents believed what they believed.
Looking back now, I can see how God pursued me from an early age. How he orchestrated every step to bring me to where I am today. In 1991, we moved from New Jersey to Florida. My parents packed up the family and moved us down to start their business. We lived a pretty comfortable life in New Jersey. Both parents had a decent job, made decent money. We were surrounded by my dad's family. But for some reason, the thought of owning a business and being in Florida was more luring.
My parents came down to Florida a week or so before we did, leaving me, my sister and my grandparents. The morning we were supposed to leave, a family friend was supposed to take us to the airport. That morning, the station wagan refused to start. After repeated failed attempts to get the thing to start, it finally cranked up. Finally. Heading to Florida. While we were driving on the NJ Turnpike, I remember looking out the window. It was a gloomy, rainy day. The noise in the station wagon was so loud. Between the adults talking, and the music playing, it was almost impossible to hear myself. In an effort to tune out the noise, I just continued to peer out the window. As we continued to drive on the multi-lane turnpike, a truck driver, two lanes over, shouted something my direction "YOUR CAR IS GOING TO CATCH ON FIRE, YOU NEED TO PULL OVER". When I realized what he said, I turned to the friend that was driving us and told him what I just heard the truck driver say. He refused to pull over. Probably thought I was just a rambling child with an active imagination. As he continued to drive, smoke started billowing out from underneath the car. Even after all of this he continued to drive. Finally, in the middle of a busy turnpike, he stopped the car. I don't know how we made it across the highway to the shoulder safely. I don't know how we got all of our belongings out of the car. I don't know how we survived that day. Just as the last box made it over to safety, flames had engulfed the entire front half of the vehicle. Surprisingly we made it to the airport, and made it to Florida without any more crazy happenings. I didn't understand why that happened until 2003.
From 1991 to 2003 life was interesting to say the least. For those of you who read about my childhood, can agree. During that time, I had heard about a man named Jesus. But I didn't really think He applied to my life. After all, I was Indian and a Hindu. Jesus was only for the white people. Or so I thought. I remember the kids in school would always talk about Sunday school and devotions and the Bible, and I would feel left out because I didn't have any of those things. The very first friend I made in Florida, was a Christian girl. She would proudly talk about her God. When I changed schools, the very first person I became friends with was, yep, Christian. Again, an upstanding example. Then, in 7th grade, I met my "bestie". And yes...she was also a Christian. I had never met anyone like Linsy (yep...that's her real name) before. Granted, I was only 12 years old, lol. But she and I became friends instantly. I was devastated when she didn't show up for school the following year. I assumed she had just moved away. A couple years went by, and then in 10th grade, my bestie contacted me out of the blue and told me she is coming back.
It was in high school, during my senior year, I started attending FCA (Fellowship of Christian Athletes) with Linsy. Funny thing was, I wasn't a Christian and I definitely wasn't an athlete. But everyone was so nice. They spoke about this God that was all knowing, all present, ever loving. They prayed for people, including myself. Then we graduated high school, and moved to Tampa for college. This was now 2002.
While in college, I was sitting in my English class, and we were discussing some book we were supposed to read. Everyone was related it back to the Bible and had so much to say about it and the parralells. That's when I realized I needed to start studying the Bible. What better place to study the Bible, than a Bible study...right? I started attending this Bible study every Thursday night. It was hosted by a group of friends I met through Linsy. What started out as me just attending Bible study, one night led to us hosting a prayer night for the girls at our apartment. It was around this time, I found out that one of the girls I grew up with told me that she was Christian. I thought it was strange, and how can you just become Christian if you are Hindu. But it wasn't for me to understand. I continued to attend Bible study, and we hosted a couple more prayer nights at my place. One particular night, we hosted prayer at another friend's house, and one of the girls asked if she could pray with me. I was little scared, lol, but reluctantly said yes. As she started praying for me, I felt something rise up within me. I lifted my hands and my body started shaking. I tried to speak but nothing came out of my mouth. I couldn't even open my eyes. When I finally got some words out, I kept on saying, repeatedly "THANK YOU JESUS". When the experience stopped, I looked around and was just dumbfounded. I couldn't explain it. I was speechless.
A few weeks later, this same group of friends invited me to a Christian rap concert. Christian rap? Really? I HAD to see this. Linsy and I went to the concert with a couple other friends. Overall, it was surprisingly great. But what happend towards the end of the concert changed my life forever. The concert was coming to a close, and one of the guys felt led to pray. As he started praying, he asked those that were separated from Christ to come down to the altar. Quite a few people made their way down. I didn't think he was speaking to me. After all, I am Hindu. The next few words he spoke caught my attention. "There is a young girl in are living a secret life. You are afraid if people find out what you are doing will not only ruin your life but the life of those around you. God is calling you down here. He has a future for you. He is waiting for you...." He continues to speak words of knowledge, and pretty much read my life like he was reading my diary. I stayed frozen in my seat. How? What? Could it? That was another long, quiet drive home.
After these two experiences, I went home to see my parents one day, and felt compelled to ask about their faith. "Mom...why do you believe what you do?". Her answer was, "Because that's what your grandmother taught me". That's it? You never FELT anything? You never experienced anything? God never spoke to you? How do you know it's real? How can you tell me you believe in heaven/hell and reincarnation at the same time? It doesn't make sense. That's all you can tell me? Yes. That was all. To this day, she doesn't have any other explanation. And that explanation wasn't enough for me after what I had already experienced.
In May of 2003, I attended a friend's baptism at Without Walls International Church. It was a Sunday evening service. I had been to a couple churches before, but they were all boring. This church, however, was right up my ally. They were doing the electric slide during praise and worship! I was sold! The next day the church was having their monthly ladies Bible study. Pastor taught on "What does your mouth have to do with it". My entire life, to this day, my mouth has gotten me in trouble. But I know  God will use it for His glory. That night God called me again. Called me to meet Him at the altar. This time I followed His still small voice. This night, I gave my life to the one and only living God. The one Man that patiently waited for me. The one Man that pursued me daily, despite all my wrongs and shortcomings. The one Man that saw past all my brokeness and saw a usable vessel. He CHOSE me. He waited for me. He loved me despite myself. He wrapped his loving arms around me and made sure He never let go. Even when I walked away, when I got angry. It was not His will for me to perish. It is not His will for you to perish. It is not His will that any should perish.